Whom Not to Marry

Father Pat Connor, a 79-year-old Catholic priest with decades of counseling experience has distilled some “mostly common sense” advice about how to choose a mate.
For 40 years, he has been giving a lecture — “Whom Not to Marry” — to high school seniors, mostly girls because they’re more interested. You can easily change the "masculine" nouns and pronouns to "feminine" and look at this from a male perspective.
“It’s important to consider these points before one falls seriously in love. It will be too late,” he explains. “Infatuation trumps judgment.”
Here is a summary of his talk:
Never marry a man who has no friends. This usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands. I am always amazed at the number of men I have counseled who have no friends. Since, as the Hebrew Scriptures say, ‘Iron shapes iron and friend shapes friend,’ what are his friends like? What do your friends and family members think of him? Sometimes, your friends can’t render an impartial judgment because they are envious that you are beating them in the race to the altar. Envy beclouds judgment.
How does he handle money? Does he use money responsibly? Is he stingy? Most marriages that founder do so because of money — she’s thrifty, he’s on his 10th credit card.
No doormats. Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours. It’s good to have a doormat in the home, but not if it’s your spouse.
What's his relationship like with his mother? Is he overly attached to his mother and her mythical apron strings? When he wants to make a decision, say, about where you should go on your honeymoon, he doesn’t consult you, he consults his mother.
(I’ve known cases where the mother accompanies the couple on their honeymoon!)
Does he have a sense of humor? That covers a multitude of sins. My mother was once asked how she managed to live harmoniously with three men — my father, brother and me. Her answer, delivered with awesome arrogance, was: ‘You simply operate on the assumption that no man matures after the age of 11.’ My father fell about laughing.
Can we talk? A therapist friend insists that ‘more marriages are killed by silence than by violence.’ The strong, silent type can be charming but ultimately destructive. Paul of Tarsus, got it right when he said, "In all your dealings with one another, speak the truth to one another in love that you may grow up."
Don’t marry a problem character thinking you will change him. If he’s a heavy drinker, spends too much time on the computer, or is some other kind of addict, he will not change just because he marries a good woman. Marriage does not "settle people down."
People are the same after marriage as before, only more so.
Take a good, unsentimental look at his family — you’ll learn a lot about him and his attitude towards women. How does he treat his parents? (especially his Mom). What is his dad like? (he will most likely be like his Dad). How did his folks parent? How does he feel about it?
Is there a history of divorce in the family? An atmosphere of racism, sexism or prejudice in his home? Are his goals and deepest beliefs worthy and similar to yours?

Finally: Does he possess those character traits that add up to a good human being — the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous? Or is he inclined to stretch the truth; does he have fits of rage or melancholy? Does he tend to be a control freak, to be envious of you, to be secretive? Does he express a sincere interest in you?

H/T to Sacramentum Vitae for the heads up on this article
You can read the whole article here
NYTimes.com columnist, Maureen Dowd